How to Overcome Insecurity in Relationships

It is normal to experience some temporary insecurity in relationships. It becomes a problem though when your daily and on-going interactions are being affected over an extended period of time.

An insecure person often looks to their partner for continuous recognition and support. You may expect you partner to make and keep you happy. You may even expect your partner to spend all their time with you at the expense of their friendships or interests. Perhaps you also look to your partner to always take the initiative and to get things done.

Signs of insecurity

Some signs of insecurity in a relationship includes:

  • Always trying to please your partner
  • Expecting your partner to keep you happy
  • Never wanting to do something on your own
  • Not wanting to commit in a relationship
  • Fearing emotional intimacy and maintaining emotional distance
  • Being critical of yourself or your partner
  • Wanting to be in control
  • Always doubting yourself or your partner
  • Being needy or clingy and struggling to allow your partner some freedom

Focus on yourself

The important point to remember is that you need to focus on yourself. Become aware of your behaviour. How are you behaving? Does it increase the bond you have with your partner? Or does it create distance between the two of you?

Accept yourself

Probably the first step you need to take is to become your own best friend. That means that instead of looking to others to fulfill your needs you do so for yourself. You start to accept yourself. Begin to look for things that you do that make you feel good about yourself. Good friends generally accept each other. This does not mean that you have to like every aspect of yourself. It is about acknowledging both the good and less acceptable parts of you.

As long as you struggle to accept yourself, this will always have a detrimental impact on your relationships. You will continue to experience insecurity in relationships. So think about ways in which you can become your own best friend!


Take time to think about why you feel insecure. Perhaps you had parents who seldom showed their love or appreciation for you as a person. In this case you need to become like a wise parent to yourself. Observe when you do something you feel proud of and give yourself recognition and praise.


Check out what beliefs you have about yourself. Are you critical of yourself? Do you put yourself down? Do you purely focus on everything that you lack as opposed to recognising our positive traits? Begin to focus on the positive so that you further grow your self-esteem.

Look to yourself

When you become critical of your partner bring your attention back to yourself. What is happening in your own life? What is upsetting you? Are you feeling unhappy with yourself or circumstances? You most likely are projecting your feelings of dissatisfaction on your partner. So try to work out what is lacking in your life and explore ways to meet you own needs.

Stop misreading your partner

Become aware of whether you read things into your partner’s behaviour that are not there.  Do you try to read their mind and tell them what you think they are thinking? In doing this you will set your relationship up for failure. At some stage your partner will begin to disengage from the relationship because it becomes too “management intensive”.

Be more independent

It typically happens that when one partner is needy or clingy they attract the opposite person into their life. They attract someone who prefers distance and independence. So it is important to find ways to meet your own needs as opposed to continuously looking to another person to do that for you.

Insecurity in relationships is a sign that something is out of balance in your life. You will find relationship counselling of value to help you overcome insecurity in your special relationship.

Posted in Relationships.